Friends today I shall go easy on you as I was asked to marry someone last night and well the services, reception and appreciation went well into the night.
I was standing at the urinal at work the other day and there were boogers on the wall by the urinal.
Why were there boogers on the wall?
They were bloody boogers at that. Someone should see their ENT and right away.
What sick, twisted, territory marking practice, are these fuckers up to? Does this mean that this urinal is their’s.
Do they like the smell of THAT urinal cake and do not want anybody to prevent them from inhaling the sticky sweet and tangy smell of lilac, strawberries and urine?
Do they suffer from autism or OCD that they can not piss at any other urinal? Is the whole bathroom theirs??
Are these the same long haired pony tail mother fuckers that can not make coffee?
Are they trying to tell me thanks for the coffee here is a gift. like cats brig in the occasional dead bird or rat?
Am I trespassing? Is one of those fuckers going to try to rough me up in here??
Bring it bitch! I will let taste some of god's righteous power like i did when i was in school and the O Line thought they would tell me to get a "normal" hair cut. Yeah that must have fucking hurt and surprised the fuck out of them. This one lone punker who has no friends went ape shit on their house. They found themselves falling into toilets and steel toes lifting their nut sacks. Man that was fucking great. That tackle faggot found that a forearm on the throat is pretty effective.
Yeah so you IT guys want to fucking tell me that I "a lab rat" can't use the bathroom, Then you had better hope I am sleeping when you come knocking at my fucking door bitch.
Num 22:36
When Balak heard that Balaam was coming, he went out to meet him at a city of Moab which was on the border of the Arnon at the boundary of his territory.
Psa 37:6
He will vindicate you in broad daylight, and publicly defend your just cause.
Psa 72:4
He will defend the oppressed among the people; he will deliver the children of the poor and crush the oppressor.
If I leave a snotty booger in a room does that make the room mine?
Should I go home and smear snot on my wife and kid?
Blow my nose on my car and couch? What does it mean when I shit on my neighbors yard. (He pissed me off two years ago and every six months I take a dump in his yard.)
Are the boogers, tags declaring I have been here? Hey John Sleesatxx took a piss here.
You all should feel honored that your penis has been in the same general vicinity as mine and that you are pissing into the same ceramic wall decoration that I have peed into.
That you are touching the same handle that I touched right after touching my magnificent penis, my glorious miracle granting penis. My external pee spout blessed by God himself and the giver of joy to so many women and whose urine could quite possibly be the holiest urine.
Can urine be holy?
1Ki 6:18
The inside of the temple was all cedar and was adorned with carvings of round ornaments and of flowers in bloom. Everything was cedar; no stones were visible.
1Ki 6:35
He carved cherubs, palm trees, and flowers in bloom and plated them with gold, leveled out over the carvings.
1Ki 7:31
Inside the stand was a round opening that was a foot-and-a-half deep; it had a support that was two and one-quarter feet long. On the edge of the opening were carvings in square frames.
Eze 8:8
He said to me, “Son of man, dig into the wall.” So I dug into the wall and discovered a doorway.
When I was a lost soul I would ride the public transit system and defile the backs of seats with a magic marker. I and my co-conspirators battled for battled for space with RPMS, Regan Kids, VATO, Cholo, Mr. Vela and ACDC. The closer to the drive you got the bolder the move and the greater the badge of honor. Now if one would mark the window behind the driver it was obvious that one had broken into the bus yard and vandalized the bus. This would not count.
We would cause pools to be emptied and then during the day while the owners were working we would go into the backyard and skate the pool. Some of the others would decorate the bottom of the pool for free.
We would write our bands names on the walls in the bathroom over the names of other bands in the Mabuhay Gardens. These would be free advertisement for the band flavor of the month. The bands that stayed up the longest received the record deals while the rest reshuffled and reformed new versions of the same shit until the heroin habits became too grand and they all began to fall by the road side to success. Rest In Peace you stupid losers and drug addicts. The weak and soulless fucktards of my past, I told you all you were on the wrong fucking train and now you are full of fucking worms and bugs and dirt. Now you are all sucking the sweet sulfur smell of hell. You all had the opportunity to reach out but chose to reach back instead. Fuck you all for leaving me here alone.
BASTARDS!
These were terrible times and awful actions perpetrated by me and my friends, but they are the best parts of me and they are what makes me the one with the conviction (misdemeanors only) to be the one that leads you all to the righteous path.
Psa 18:8
Smoke ascended from his nose; fire devoured as it came from his mouth; he hurled down fiery coals from the deep flared nostrils.
Gen 7:22
Everything on dry land that had the breath of life in its nostrils died
Eze 37:9
He said to me, “Prophesy to the breath, – prophesy, son of man – and say to the breath: ‘This is what the sovereign Lord says: Come from the four winds, O’ breath, and breathe on these corpses so that they may live.’”
I have been pulled over for picking and flicking. I was driving down the freeway and I see this lady speeding on my left and not far back is a trooper pacing her speed.
As she passed my I reached out and started waving my hand she saw it slowed down some and went on.
The trooper pulled me over.
He told me that he could arrest me for inference with a police investigation.
"What investigation?" I ask.
He said "I was pacing that yellow car for speeding."
I asked "What car?"
He said "The car that you waved at."
Oh no officer I was not waving at any car i was trying to flick a sticky booger off my finger. He laughed handed me back my license and said that I had better be careful in the future.
Los payasos comieron a mi esposa y los demonios comieron a mi hijo.
Los payasos comieron a mi esposa y los demonios comieron a mi hijo.
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Pro 30:33
For as the churning of milk produces butter and as punching the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.
Do not honk at me. I can not stand it when some poor sumbitch is in such a hurry that if my car is not moving forward the nanosecond the light thought about turning green he honks his horn at me. Are you in a hurry? Where are you in such a hurry to be? To do what, golf? To have coffee with the rest of the neighborhood hens, getting the kids to soccer, baseball, to go home and fuck the gardener or baby sitter. Seriously what is so important that you do not even have a siren?
Nothing pisses me off more than honking at me. Now that is the quickest was to ruin my day. It will piss me off to the point that my anger becomes a literal high. I get a buzz from the stress level. There are those that get off on pain, there are those that get off on causing pain and then there is me, I get drunk on anger. My head begins to swell and get light and my vision gets sort of fuzzy at the edges.
So there I was on a Wednesday morning going to work for the bastards that well never mind. I am at the light. The light turns green I look to be sure that some other fucker is not running late and then this bitch honks her horn.
Seriously, green light, 1 second, horn, 2second just like that. I hit my break I slam into park and I pop my hood. She is too close to go around and she waves her hands at me I smile and shrug and point at the hood. I go over and lift the hood and bend in like I am looking at something I wiggle a pretend wire and then I go around to the door and I open the door and she honks again I look at her and I yell, “My car is too old to be scared, so stop honking”. And I see her mouth “mother fucker” as the light turns red again. I pop the trunk and I get out a golf club. And beat on the car with one of my golf clubs. I do not play golf but I do own golf clubs. I see her lift her cell phone to her ear. I charge to the driver side and punch the window. Now I know that some of you all know that punch. I reached into the car and grabbed the cell and said, “No calls right now we have an appointment.”
I looked around to see if anybody else was looking or starting to use their cells and the car next to me was so I leaned in and smashed my head through the window and grabbed the cell from the little teenage girl telling her, “It is OK, I am speaking for God himself.” and that she need not call anybody because I am the most important person right now.
Across the intersection there was another cell going into use.
OK I have got a good 5 maybe 7 minutes.
I ripped off my shirt to the morning sun and jumped on the hood of the bitch’s Lexus sux2bu suburban assault vehicle and I proclaimed.
You all need to slow the fuck down!
Prov 25:16
When you find honey, eat only what is sufficient for you, lest you become stuffed with it and vomit it up.
The proverb means that anything overindulged in can become sickening. The lord teaches you through the verse that moderation is wise in the pleasures of life. And he fucking means it, slow down, your race to the end times is at an insane pace.
"Do not honk at me. Los payasos comieron a mi esposa y los demonios comieron a mi hijo"
Luke 4:9:13
Then the devil brought him (Jesus) to Jerusalem, had him stand on the highest point of the temple, and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for it is written, ‘He will command his angels concerning you, to protect you,’ and ‘with their hands they will lift you up, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Jesus answered him, “It is said, ‘You are not to put the Lord your God to the test.’” So when the devil had completed every temptation, he departed from him until a more opportune time.
Now you see there slow down stop trying to test God and the Lord by being in such a fucking hurry that you have to honk at me. You will get the end times soon enough.
Rev 14:11
And the smoke from their torture will go up forever and ever, and those who worship the beast and his image will have no rest day or night, along with anyone who receives the mark of his name.”
Deu 23:8
Children of the lord may enter the assembly of the Lord.
Some of you should have your kids give up soccer. Face it your kid is too fat to play they are probably doing more damage then good and they are happier sitting around in the AC playing video games.
Isa 35:10
those whom the Lord has ransomed will return that way. They will enter Zion with a happy shout. Unending joy will crown them, happiness and joy will overwhelm them; grief and suffering will disappear.
Be happy, enjoy life, slow down, but above all stop with the blowing of the horns. Do not torture yourself to the point that you are invading in my space and my world.
Mat 6:16
“When you fast, do not look sullen like the hypocrites, for they make their faces unattractive so that people will see them fasting. I tell you the truth, they have their reward.
The lord wants us happy.
Isa 51:3
Certainly the Lord will console Zion; he will console all her ruins. He will make her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the Garden of the Lord. Happiness and joy will be restored to her, thanksgiving and the sound of music.
Est 8:17
Throughout every province and throughout every city where the king’s edict and his law arrived, the Jews experienced happiness and joy, banquets and holidays. Many of the resident peoples pretended to be Jews, because the fear of the Jews had overcome them.
Stop killing yourselves to get there. Either leave earlier or accept the fact you are late but if you all honk at me I will exercise my God given power and talent. Because God has ordained me and he has infused his power and will within me. He granted me the rights to beat you or kill you as I see fit.
Luk 12:5
But I will warn you whom you should fear: Fear the one who, after the killing, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him!
At this point I heard sirens approaching and I knew that my sermon must end. I jumped down closed my hood, and roared off in a cloud of noxious blue smoke.
My friends I am here to tell you to slow down. Pace yourself, you have a long happy full life ahead of you. If you are traveling at light speed and hit a wall it will not hurt, it will kill you. If you need to be somewhere that requires the guy in front of you to be psychic and know when the light is changing then you need a siren or you need to slow the fuck down.
I know that contract prevents me from delivering sermons to other than the congregation but I do not think that was so much a sermon as counseling and anger management.
And if you all want to get pissy I believe that my attorney will prove in court that I was sun worshiping and talking to myself.
I will remind everyone that my door is always open and I enjoy nothing more than counseling and discussing current events.
Baptismal beatings are now an all day event on Thursdays. Christenings are still Sunday afternoons and no I do not beat up babies.
I was asked that by a new couple that recently joined. And I explained to them that babies are innocent and only become corrupt after being left I the care of grownups. The beatings are to help those that make the wrong decisions on purpose. The beatings are part of the learning process.
Cookies and coffee are sponsored by the Silver Sword and Purple Shield. Please stay long enough to meet two new people and remember to slow down.
By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Pro 30:33
For as the churning of milk produces butter and as punching the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife.
Do not honk at me. I can not stand it when some poor sumbitch is in such a hurry that if my car is not moving forward the nanosecond the light thought about turning green he honks his horn at me. Are you in a hurry? Where are you in such a hurry to be? To do what, golf? To have coffee with the rest of the neighborhood hens, getting the kids to soccer, baseball, to go home and fuck the gardener or baby sitter. Seriously what is so important that you do not even have a siren?
Nothing pisses me off more than honking at me. Now that is the quickest was to ruin my day. It will piss me off to the point that my anger becomes a literal high. I get a buzz from the stress level. There are those that get off on pain, there are those that get off on causing pain and then there is me, I get drunk on anger. My head begins to swell and get light and my vision gets sort of fuzzy at the edges.
So there I was on a Wednesday morning going to work for the bastards that well never mind. I am at the light. The light turns green I look to be sure that some other fucker is not running late and then this bitch honks her horn.
Seriously, green light, 1 second, horn, 2second just like that. I hit my break I slam into park and I pop my hood. She is too close to go around and she waves her hands at me I smile and shrug and point at the hood. I go over and lift the hood and bend in like I am looking at something I wiggle a pretend wire and then I go around to the door and I open the door and she honks again I look at her and I yell, “My car is too old to be scared, so stop honking”. And I see her mouth “mother fucker” as the light turns red again. I pop the trunk and I get out a golf club. And beat on the car with one of my golf clubs. I do not play golf but I do own golf clubs. I see her lift her cell phone to her ear. I charge to the driver side and punch the window. Now I know that some of you all know that punch. I reached into the car and grabbed the cell and said, “No calls right now we have an appointment.”
I looked around to see if anybody else was looking or starting to use their cells and the car next to me was so I leaned in and smashed my head through the window and grabbed the cell from the little teenage girl telling her, “It is OK, I am speaking for God himself.” and that she need not call anybody because I am the most important person right now.
Across the intersection there was another cell going into use.
OK I have got a good 5 maybe 7 minutes.
I ripped off my shirt to the morning sun and jumped on the hood of the bitch’s Lexus sux2bu suburban assault vehicle and I proclaimed.
You all need to slow the fuck down!
Prov 25:16
When you find honey, eat only what is sufficient for you, lest you become stuffed with it and vomit it up.
The proverb means that anything overindulged in can become sickening. The lord teaches you through the verse that moderation is wise in the pleasures of life. And he fucking means it, slow down, your race to the end times is at an insane pace.
"Do not honk at me. Los payasos comieron a mi esposa y los demonios comieron a mi hijo"
Luke 4:9:13
Then the devil brought him (Jesus) to Jerusalem, had him stand on the highest point of the temple, and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for it is written, ‘He will command his angels concerning you, to protect you,’ and ‘with their hands they will lift you up, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’” Jesus answered him, “It is said, ‘You are not to put the Lord your God to the test.’” So when the devil had completed every temptation, he departed from him until a more opportune time.
Now you see there slow down stop trying to test God and the Lord by being in such a fucking hurry that you have to honk at me. You will get the end times soon enough.
Rev 14:11
And the smoke from their torture will go up forever and ever, and those who worship the beast and his image will have no rest day or night, along with anyone who receives the mark of his name.”
Deu 23:8
Children of the lord may enter the assembly of the Lord.
Some of you should have your kids give up soccer. Face it your kid is too fat to play they are probably doing more damage then good and they are happier sitting around in the AC playing video games.
Isa 35:10
those whom the Lord has ransomed will return that way. They will enter Zion with a happy shout. Unending joy will crown them, happiness and joy will overwhelm them; grief and suffering will disappear.
Be happy, enjoy life, slow down, but above all stop with the blowing of the horns. Do not torture yourself to the point that you are invading in my space and my world.
Mat 6:16
“When you fast, do not look sullen like the hypocrites, for they make their faces unattractive so that people will see them fasting. I tell you the truth, they have their reward.
The lord wants us happy.
Isa 51:3
Certainly the Lord will console Zion; he will console all her ruins. He will make her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the Garden of the Lord. Happiness and joy will be restored to her, thanksgiving and the sound of music.
Est 8:17
Throughout every province and throughout every city where the king’s edict and his law arrived, the Jews experienced happiness and joy, banquets and holidays. Many of the resident peoples pretended to be Jews, because the fear of the Jews had overcome them.
Stop killing yourselves to get there. Either leave earlier or accept the fact you are late but if you all honk at me I will exercise my God given power and talent. Because God has ordained me and he has infused his power and will within me. He granted me the rights to beat you or kill you as I see fit.
Luk 12:5
But I will warn you whom you should fear: Fear the one who, after the killing, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him!
At this point I heard sirens approaching and I knew that my sermon must end. I jumped down closed my hood, and roared off in a cloud of noxious blue smoke.
My friends I am here to tell you to slow down. Pace yourself, you have a long happy full life ahead of you. If you are traveling at light speed and hit a wall it will not hurt, it will kill you. If you need to be somewhere that requires the guy in front of you to be psychic and know when the light is changing then you need a siren or you need to slow the fuck down.
I know that contract prevents me from delivering sermons to other than the congregation but I do not think that was so much a sermon as counseling and anger management.
And if you all want to get pissy I believe that my attorney will prove in court that I was sun worshiping and talking to myself.
I will remind everyone that my door is always open and I enjoy nothing more than counseling and discussing current events.
Baptismal beatings are now an all day event on Thursdays. Christenings are still Sunday afternoons and no I do not beat up babies.
I was asked that by a new couple that recently joined. And I explained to them that babies are innocent and only become corrupt after being left I the care of grownups. The beatings are to help those that make the wrong decisions on purpose. The beatings are part of the learning process.
Cookies and coffee are sponsored by the Silver Sword and Purple Shield. Please stay long enough to meet two new people and remember to slow down.
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