Speech To The Class Of 2013

Hello Class of 2013. As I look out on your young and beautiful faces I see hope, I see promise, and I see the future. I also see panic, fright and I see utter despair and failure. 

For today you all enter into the last chapter of your lives. Because tomorrow you will no longer be high school students, you are ALL going to be adults. You are entering into the world as fresh meat for the world to consume. And I say this with genuine admiration and prayer for you all. Because I have been in your very seat and now I have been into the grinder and I know what you all face and I admire the naiveté with which you all have, as you plunge into this great journey. And I pray for each every one of your souls, because soon you will be faced with decisions that will compromise your innocence, morals and ethics. You will eat or be eaten. You will destroy and rebuild. You will die and be reborn.

And unfortunately no matter your choice you will shed some of your youth, you will make connections and loose connections. You are going to break your hymen of childhood on the jagged, rough edges of adulthood.

Every once in a while I think back...I think about how it seemed so difficult at the time. But then again, youth built on drama, youth is fueled by tragic moments that when strung together will be the sum of your lives.

I am now 48 plus some days and over 200 pounds and every morning I get up and puke and then on my "kill or be killed" commute to a pathetic foot race with corporate whore mongers, pirates and thieves, I think back to my youth. And I think ‘man that was difficult’, trying to figure out if my mother was going to be with a drunkard or a boxer or fucking worse yet, a drunk angry boxer. And I think this fucking rat race I am in is SOOOOO much easier. I know the rules I know the boundaries and I know that as long as I do not talk too much no one knows what a fucking mess I am.

I fucking hated those times that you are all in right now and am so glad I am beyond that, and then fucktards with some weird ass hair up their ass seems that they want to re-capture those times by trying to contact me. Why?

We were stupid, we knew nothing of how the world worked or existed beyond our poor pathetic sociopathic world. We talked about how we were cool and everyone was not because they were not individuals. We were the future and we were going to make a difference. We looked down on those that looked down on us, and for what? The same reasons they looked down on us. 

And don't start me on the whole kum-bi-ya, group hippy love hug shit, that we all accepted those not like us and embraced those that were different like us. Yeah fucking right! We had cliques and we defended those cliques with fury, hatred and broken bottles. We were just as guilty of snobbery as our educators and protectors. We did, on a smaller scale, the same evil shit that we said we were rallying against. We learned from masters of evil and deception. We copied them but disguised it in youth exuberance. How fucking ignorant were we?

I look back at those times with venom, hatred, uneasiness, and a mounting debt of therapy bills and a hand full of prescribed medications. Yeah I remember everyone single one of them and Jesus H Christ why do they all want to make me touch those things again? Why do they all want to touch those things again?

We were all outcasts but so was everyone else our age and so IS every one of you! We hid in their group and peer structure just as you do. We were rude and cold to everyone that was new that showed up. We were dickheads and twats to the world. We walked around spouting the world owed us and [raising voice] you want to know what? [full on top of lungs yell] the world don’t owe us shit!

And my karma is destroyed by my decisions just as every single one of my generation.
You are not special, you did not earn a single trophy that is in your room right now. You have been coddled, swaddled, and protected from what you are all about to endure.

Yep, that’s fucking right life is going to eat your mutherfucking lunch if you think you are going to make this world a better place. The world does not want to a better place. The world likes it just the way it is. Cheaters will always win. Liars will always prosper and the thieves will pocket everything you have.

Congratulations class of 2013 you are now in the race and you are not even aware the that there is a pack of wolves already closing in.

[Middle finger] Good fucking luck! And don’t get in my way or I will bite your neck and claw your back to get what is mine.

You are all doomed!

A Letter To New York After Sandy

Dear Mayor Bloomberg,
 I would like to be the first in Texas to write you and extend our deepest sympathies over the tragic hurricane attack your shitty has fallen victim too. Rivalry aside, this is a terrible time for you all.

 We down in the gulf region know all too well the terrible devastation a hurricane attack can cause. Cheer up though you are a resourceful bunch, resilient in your strength and tenacious in the face of adversity and strong in your convictions. We here in Texas applaud you all and are certain that if you all stick together you can get the "Big Apple" on its feet in now time.

 I do want to say though, please do not come down here. We in Texas are still reeling from the welfare influx from Katrina the support we are still giving New Orleans is crippling and time consuming. We do not need or want your criminals mixing with the criminals from New Orleans. We do not need to be handing out any more welfare to any from your part of the United States, seriously the burden on our already hobbled budget is too taxed as it is and there are many other states that have the resources and the cash to accept your troubled citizenship. And quite frankly you all talk kinda funny.

 You all should stay up there focus on rebuilding "the city that never sleeps". Yeah that's the ticket, if you all work 24 7 like you all claim you could probably rebuild in the half the time it take New Orleans to recover (recovering).

 So um yeah that's all I really wanted to say. "Stay up there. DO NOT come down here!" and see if that fancy pants guy in the big house can send you all some help.

 Some advice though, don’t let those FEMA guys try to help they are more trouble than they are worth.

Rev. John Sleestaxx
 A Texas citizen.

The graduating class of 2012

To the class of 2012.
Dear lord
 Grant us the strength to vanquish the evil that opposes your will. Grant us the courage to stand up for what is right and might.  Help us to evangelize your word through our accomplishments. Though our wins lord the blasphemers and the unrighteous will see you your strength and your might.
As I look out on the fresh seemingly innocent faces, I am reminded of how awesome it was when I was young. How when I was taking on the world not as a bringer of justice or herald of the lord, but like most of you, a young mind filled with lusty ideas and fleshy desires. I went out into the world shoving my dick in just about everything it would fit into. I thought that if I fucked enough that I would become powerful and I could change the world.
 But alas the lord knows better and he beat me at every turn, until I found my calling. [Looking skyward and holding up my hands] Oh lord the lessons you taught me! [Now smile at the audience].
You too will go out into the world and fuck it up! You will go out and camp in a park and [air quotes] Blog about how it is unfair that you have to work to find a job and how [air quotes] unfair it all is that the ones before have had all the great ideas and have collected so much wealth.
But you what you don’t realize is that every one of those bastard pirates and corporate whore mongers have sold their soul to get what they have. And they will go to hell for it! They will have their feet placed to the fire for all eternity. And they will be below watching as you, the young, inherit everything that they have built, and stolen. [loud] You will have the opportunity to smelt down their golden calf and cast it into a new image, a new muther fucking idol! You will write a new freaking book on how shit gets done.
You will choose who eats and who doesn’t, you will be in charge or whether or not the pirates and corporate whores get their diapers changed. You and your classmates will be the bringers of a new apocalypse, you will be tearing down this world  and building a new one. You all will bring about a new era of how shit is done and who gets to do the shit. But, [long pause and a wicked smile] there is always a but [look to your left at the last chair or oldest asshole over there], you have to get the power. And the power is sadly more education, [laugh and pause] yeah I know you just finished school and now the good Reverend Sleestaxx is telling you that you have more school ahead of you.
But do not be surprised to find your road a bit hard and rough. They do not want you to wrest the control from them. Right now they are already building defensive blockades raising tuition and mucking up the economy to drive a greater divide between the classes. So do not dally, do not procrastinate, do not go and spend your time foolishly shoving your dick into every hole you find. Get in, get down, and get the fuck out.
 The nice thing for y’all is that with the right amount of power your fight with the fuckers of this world is not going to be very bloody or very costly. Because those grubby, fat fingered piss ants in charge will have retired or be too old and too blind from compliancy to even see you coming,
 So please do not waste your youth on the road side crying about the inequities of the establishment and how the poor stay poor and the rich stay rich. Go out and work hard, learn hard, and play mother fucking hard. Break things, get messy and for the love of god do not cry, because, you know what, when you are their age they will be in need of you to change their diapers and care for them and that is when you can extract your revenge for having to live in a world where we have to fight for stupid shit like same sex marriages, and whether or not some pro-athlete did drugs.
 When you are in charge, and you will be, you can fix all the mistakes we have made. You will have the opportunity to right all of our wrongs.
[signal the sound manager for more bass] [raising voice] You will become the new rulers of the new world! [Yelling] You will be the writers of the new rule book! YOU WILL BE IN CHARGE!
You will be in more control of more shit than just the small little spit of dirt called a country, you will be FUCKING GLOBAL! You and your generation will be in charge of EVERYTHING!
Now go out there and fuck it all up like we did! Congratulations to the class of 2012.

A letter to my son

Your teacher asked your parents to write a letter talking about lessons shown you or attempted to be taught to you.
I know I can be an old man at times, and sound like a know it all. But I am old and I do know an few things.
I want to keep it brief and un-mushy as I know you are reading this in a class room.

• Men do cry, but not in front of anybody. Women say they want a sensitive man but when the bill is due they want strength of character and conviction and one can not be a protector blubbering.
• Do not go to bed angry. You can not sleep and rest, with anger in you. If you must, put it aside when you go to bed, but pick it back up when you get up and go to war.
• Do not go to bed with dishes in the sink. This has a hidden meaning and one day you will get it. Hey you should learn a few things on your own.
• If you like her you will lift it, if you love her you will put it back down.
• Do any job, ANY job, as if you will see it from your own house. It is not worth doing if you can not do it right. Plain and simple.
• The world of fairies and unicorns has been paved over by Wal-Mart. The business world has changed. But in end, at the end of your days, you will be left to answer to yourself. So whatever you do, make sure it is right with yourself. Because it is you, that you have to answer to and if you can’t look at yourself, neither can anyone else. Always be a leader to yourself and those around you will follow and do the same.
• Do not put off till tomorrow what you can do today. You can find yourself short on time and resources because too many yesterdays have caught up with you.
• Most importantly panic kills. Stay calm and keep a clear head. The answer is always right there, you just have to see it.
• GTE wireless is now Verizon wireless.
• Listen to your mother.
• Don't eat yellow snow.
• Home is where you and your family are. Not the building holding your stuff.
• You are never ever alone

These simple lessons have given me the most comfort and the most grief. But if you master them as well as you have filled me with pride you will do fine in life.


Another class of 2009 speech

Commencement speech for a graduating class of 2009.
By Rev. Sleestaxx

This was also written for another particular High school class that requested I speak at the ceremony. But it appears that the board and the PTO and some other whinny pussy types decided that a member of the rotary club was better suited for speaking to the future of our world and so they canceled my gig. I got to keep the travel and half the fee but I did not get to speak to the class. Thus the speech is mine and so I shall with you all.

Today you embark on a new era and new opportunity to make decisions based on your value system and not the one perpetrated by the foreign heathens or the corporate pirates.

As I look out upon the graduating class of 2009 I see bright eyes happy smiles and I see the future I also see mean eyes evil smiles and I still see the future.
I know I am looking upon the faces of some that should not have graduated but you made yourself such a burden upon your teachers that they gifted you a passing grade.
The coach tells me I am also looking out on some gifted athletes. Congratulations on your accomplishments they are not diminished because they are “just high school” They are the fruit of hard work and dedication to a discipline that many here know or do not know it does not matter it is recognized and rewarded.
All of you are a very special generation. You are all special in the way that you are the future. You are being handed a world. Not a country like I was or my father or his father. Literally you are being given a chance to effect change in the entire global community for in 20 years the majority in charge will be retired and yours will be the one in majority.
Yes there will be some pockets of craziness just like there is some in the country I was handed.
I see the faces of artists, scientist, hunters and fire starters. I see a class that will make change that will forever be remembered.
The scientist will make the world manageable and understandable with their science and critical thinking.
The artists will make the world livable and pleasant with their love of a good curve or a pleasing resonance the will vibrate the soul.
The hunters will protect and feed the world.
And the fire starters will both shape the direction and destroy. They will destroy the old dead rotting wood that is the old world and they will lay the direction of new growth.
You are our hope do not get caught up in your own greed like the dogs that are now in charge.
Do not get enraptured with your own beauty that you forget about the rest of the world like the generation in charge now.
Look at what the pirates have done and learn from the pigs and do not fall into their traps.
Look at your parents [pause and look at the families] and see the evil that that have borne into this world and do not bear the same sins as them.

[look for security on the left and the right]

[yelling and slamming the podium] Change the world
[yelling and slamming the podium] It is your right
[yelling and slamming the podium] It is your duty
[yelling and slamming the podium] It is the way of life and the way it was meant to be.

Remember the sevens sins and you should be able to get this planet back on the road to righteousness and into the age of enlightenment.
Do not get lost in the lust of shiny things.
Do not get lost in the pleasure of your own greed.
Do not become fat and corpulent on the sweat and blood of the weak like the generations before you.
Do not become lazy and mortgage your soul for your own selfish pig headed inner child.
Do not get so lost in your anger and revenge that you forget who you are.
Do not be so prideful that you look down upon the rest of your generation for everyone of you offer something that is needed by the other.
Do not become so envious that you loose sight of yourself and become so enraptured and encompassed in your desire that you stop being you.

[Bang on the podium]Do not get lost in the idolatrous worship.
[Bang on the podium]Do not forget to love your family.
[Bang on the podium]Do not lose sight of the prize.
[Bang on the podium]Do not forget to donate and assist in god's work.
[Bang on the podium]Do not forget to change our diapers

Go out and change something, it does not matter if the change is right because it will be changed again it just all needs change or we will die and we will wink out in this universe and no-one will know we were here.
Make noise make love make god but for the love of Christ make it happen. No get out there and fuck it up!

Like A Monkey With A Handgun

By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades

By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Hello to the graduating class of 2009.

Hello to the graduating class of 2009.
By Rev. Sleestaxx

This was written for a particular High school class that requested I speak at the ceremony. But it appears that the board and the PTO and some other whinny pussy types decided that a member of the rotary club was better suited for speaking to the future of our world and so they canceled my gig. I got to keep the travel and half the fee but I did not get to speak to the class. Thus the speech is mine and so I shall with you all.

I am going to tell a story of a young man who, like you, was graduating high school.
He was a bright lad, a smart kid with a nice set of parents. He was always thinking about things, girls and cars, engines and girls, and well more about girls than anything else.
He wanted to be famous, and he wanted to have plenty of girlfriends. He wanted the life of a rock star; he wanted to buy his daddy a Cadillac and his mom a big fancy house. He wanted everyone to know his name and he wanted to make sure the world was a place to raise children, because along with the girls, he knew one day he wanted a wife and kids, and he wanted to impart his great knowledge on his child, so that his child would one day grow up and graduate.
He wanted his child to buy him a big caddie, and his wife a big house with a big kitchen. So he thought a lot about what he could do to change the world and make him self famous too.
He finished high school and thought about it and thought about it. He decided that he had no ideas yet and so he decided that college would fill his brain with more knowledge and then he could think of something.
He went to college and the thought. He thought all the way through four years of school and graduated college.
During and after a ceremony much like this one he sat and thought about what he could do.
He thought and he thought. He went home to his parent’s house and thought. One night his father came home and announced that he was being laid off from the car plant because the country was in dire straights and now one was buying new cars.
He mother wept and his father consoled her with sweet whispers and gentle hugs. His mother took to doing the laundry for others in the neighborhood so they could buy bread and dried meat for meals.
Now he knew there was something he could and so he put to thinking more on this dilemma.
His mother died one day from skin cancer from being out in the sun hanging laundry all these years. At the funeral his father wept openly and howled at god. He shook his fist at the sky and rued the day the lord put breath into his own lungs. He had never seen his father so angry before.
The priest at the service died of a stroke while presiding over the service. The priest babbled something about Jesus and banana cups and fell face first into the dais and shat himself. After the wake his father sat him down and asked him what he was going to do.
Do what now Father what do you mean?
Son your mother is dead I am dieing of mesothelioma from the auto plant. You have gone to college and you have a big brain full of learnin’ what are you going to do with your life?
I have been thinking about this a long time dad and I think I want to be famous.
Well that is an ambition son how do you plan on achieving that?
I am thinking about that now.
Ok son but you might as well cover your self in maple syrup and hump chickens.
What is that suppose to mean dad?
Well because famous don't pay shit and you have wasted your life thinking. At least you would have been famous for being covered in maple syrup and having perverted sex with fowls, you would have been sent to prison and been out of my house a long time ago.
[Dramatic pause]
The moral is, you have plans, you know what you want to do, and you have finished high school.
Go to college, get out of college, and do something, anything, make sure it doesn't hurt when you do it, but do something. Get out of your parents house, get into the world and make a change, get into the world and shape it to YOUR will, rest control from the pigs, pirates, dogs, and thieves. Take over the world, steer the world into another direction, but do not stare into the oblivion see your demise and do nothing. That was for the generation in charge and what the generations have done for the past millennia. They all looked in to the event horizon, shit themselves and decided to be criminals and perverts, don’t do that!
Get on the stick, spread the sun tan lotion and get freaking dirty.
Put tape on the computer cards, bend the quarters and fold the dollar bills. Wake everyone up and show them the sunrise.
Shake your fist at the government not god.
Rue the day the government forgot about the people.
Remind companies they are made of people not machines or commodities that can be brokered and marginalized like everything else.
But the most important thing of all is to get out of my house because I have no place for you at my table any more.

Like A Monkey With A Handgun

By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 3 December, 2007..

Also reading

With A Mouthful Of Razorblades

By Rev. J. Sleestaxx
Release date: By 6 February, 2008..

Fear is what keeps us civilized.

Fear is what keeps us civilized.
By Rev. John Sleestaxx

Fear of god's judgment
Fear of peer judgment
Fear of hell
Fear of no hell
Fear of god
Fear of no god
The fear of knowing that once this is all done and over we are all just meat to be consumed by the bugs and the bacteria in the ground.
So we go through life thinking about if I do this what will be the outcome?
But the human animals, the beasts, the mouth breathers, the sinners, the bankers and the pirates of this great world that was once a glorious place to be a part of have realized that they do not care about tomorrow or the outcome. It is about today and what can they steal from us, what harm can they do to us and what can they do for themselves.
These are the criminals that we allow to walk among us and we hide our eyes from their view because we are afraid of them and hope they pass us by and steal from our neighbor instead. We have let them run amuck and get too much control. We need to wrest the helm from these doers of ill and sin and take back what is ours. We shall start with our dignity and finish with a pound of flesh nearest their heart.
We shall say "NO MORE!" “You shall take no more! You shall leave our sight! You are banished to the outside. Leave our city and leave our lives. Go now and scratch your existence from the dirt and clay whence you came from.”
“Go now without your goods, your belongings, your coat and robes of wealth and ill gotten goods. Be known that your are now marked as a thief and you shall be treated as such. Let no man give you work and let no women feed you. See what you have wrought on the rest of the world and let god judge you for you have been judge and found not worthy to be human nor animal and not worth the wood to burn you as you deserve.
You beasts you criminals you evil men of industry pirates and privateers all of you. You all make me sick you all make me hate the human race again and again and again.